Birthday 2013

Dear Blog,

It was 17th October 2013. The date has no significance in turning the history of the world but it does have significance for us. Its my Hubby's b'day!! But no b'day cake and no b'day outing... why?? Hubby is sick. So in the end no celebrations. Now awaiting 29th October as it is my Birthday!! And guess what, we are going to Bangkok for a week to enjoy our vacations. Not only that, since Bangkok is the one of the cheaper countries it will be easier for us to do shopping.

Now back from Bangkok on 29th in Delhi. Enjoyed the vacations. Had loads of fun. Coudn't buy beads as i wanted but still it was good vacation. No b'day celebrations again as we were totally spent with jet lag etc. Back home after that with the same old routine.

Down goes the b'day Celebration!

Happy Birthday!!

Princess

Something missing....

 I have been trying to figure out my life. Though it is filled with love but it is empty of a warm smile. It will be 2 years this January of our marriage and we have been unable to have that warmth we crave for. 

I blame myself mostly as I suggested we wait for a year. If only we could have thought of bringing warmth in our lives earlier then I would not have indulged myself in this guilt. 

Guilt is a big word in my dictionary. When I am kicking myself emotionally and mentally I tend to kick really hard. I conjure images that involve what ifs of my life. Such as what if I wasn't married I would have a different life, what if my husband and I separated, neither will be blamed; what if I am fully responsible and I don't deserve the pleasures of my life; what if I am bound by the chains of family and everything to hell with my craving let it be as it is, what if we don't have the warmth how will I be perceived by the judgmental eyes of people in this male-dominated society and what if I leave everything as it is and think of nothing. This guilt trip lasts till I get something new to focus on and my era of depression ends. 

Life has many happy and sad moments. Neither lasts for long but I guess sometimes the cloud of doom hangs on us for too long to make us comfortable.

Sometimes I wonder where did my old life go? I used to listen to English songs but not anymore. I used to venture out to buy the stuff on my own but not anymore. I used to read books a lot but not anymore. My life has changed, whether for better or worse I am not sure. But the only thing I am sure about is that something is missing in my life and its high time that I need someone from my womb cry for me, love me and call me "Maa".