Birthday 2013

Dear Blog,

It was 17th October 2013. The date has no significance in turning the history of the world but it does have significance for us. Its my Hubby's b'day!! But no b'day cake and no b'day outing... why?? Hubby is sick. So in the end no celebrations. Now awaiting 29th October as it is my Birthday!! And guess what, we are going to Bangkok for a week to enjoy our vacations. Not only that, since Bangkok is the one of the cheaper countries it will be easier for us to do shopping.

Now back from Bangkok on 29th in Delhi. Enjoyed the vacations. Had loads of fun. Coudn't buy beads as i wanted but still it was good vacation. No b'day celebrations again as we were totally spent with jet lag etc. Back home after that with the same old routine.

Down goes the b'day Celebration!

Happy Birthday!!

Princess

Something missing....

 I have been trying to figure out my life. Though it is filled with love but it is empty of a warm smile. It will be 2 years this January of our marriage and we have been unable to have that warmth we crave for. 

I blame myself mostly as I suggested we wait for a year. If only we could have thought of bringing warmth in our lives earlier then I would not have indulged myself in this guilt. 

Guilt is a big word in my dictionary. When I am kicking myself emotionally and mentally I tend to kick really hard. I conjure images that involve what ifs of my life. Such as what if I wasn't married I would have a different life, what if my husband and I separated, neither will be blamed; what if I am fully responsible and I don't deserve the pleasures of my life; what if I am bound by the chains of family and everything to hell with my craving let it be as it is, what if we don't have the warmth how will I be perceived by the judgmental eyes of people in this male-dominated society and what if I leave everything as it is and think of nothing. This guilt trip lasts till I get something new to focus on and my era of depression ends. 

Life has many happy and sad moments. Neither lasts for long but I guess sometimes the cloud of doom hangs on us for too long to make us comfortable.

Sometimes I wonder where did my old life go? I used to listen to English songs but not anymore. I used to venture out to buy the stuff on my own but not anymore. I used to read books a lot but not anymore. My life has changed, whether for better or worse I am not sure. But the only thing I am sure about is that something is missing in my life and its high time that I need someone from my womb cry for me, love me and call me "Maa". 

The more you talk, the more you grieve

Its not a proverb. I just made it up. It is common knowledge that people tend to say lots of things in the heat of moment and regret it later. What they tend to forget that they cant mend what has been broken due to their speech. Everyone in this world once or twice must have felt it that they have hurt the feelings of other by saying things that they shouldn't. The realization of their mistake dawns upon them quite later when a rift in the relationship has already been made. This rift can not be cured. Its like a disease which if given leverage by more speech can spread. It can further lead to breakage of lifetime bonds.

People feel sorry for themselves when they think of such occurrences in their lives. They think of what can be done or could have been done. Instead they should live in present rather than think of past and future. I know its difficult for a person to follow such thoughts but an effort needs to be made in such direction.

When a woman faces such problems she blames the person who perpetrated it. She will look to the future and past and keep on blaming people around her and still won't be satisfied till her feelings are remedied. The remedy can be to console her and take her into confidence and furthermore replace the happenings of the past with the help of man she loves. If her lover consents or is willing to help her.


When a man faces such problems he will blame first then feel guilty of what he has done and will not even think of how to remedy it. He will crave for his woman's love to make him forget it but any wrongs done against other can not be easily forgotten. His expectation of leading a normal life can not be fulfilled. He should choose a course which will help him gather his bearings and make certain changes which deflects the same things from happening again.

Instead, people will stay mum and won't talk. Believing to be happy in the moment but being sad inside and becoming unhappier still with advent of thoughts which swirl in the head which further come out from the mouth in the form of speech bringing a person to square one of his situation. 

Rain

I Hate Rains....Its a fact... It distresses me..It brings to mind depressing memories.. I wish I could be more like someone who laughs in adversity and bears it easily. I get the closed-in feeling during rains. I feel sadness  inside even though no event occurs to provoke it. But today i feel choked in sadness.. Something has happened. It may either change my life for worse or it may bring my life on track. The decision depends upon me. I wish I was a kid and the decision making was not in my hands. I wish to be in never-land where kids live free of decisions and living life to its fullest. I think wishing is not for me. As a rule I am not supposed to make wishes. For if you ask for something you have to give something too.

I hope I might start loving the rain sometime in future.

Life and red thread of fate

Its been quite a while since my last post. It seems whenever I am depressed i turn to blog writing that too when I am in my hometown. I don't have enough time normally to do the typing or reading stuff which invokes thought process for writing it. Anyways my excuses aside I read today about red thread of fate. Its a thread that binds two people for eternity and it cannot be broken even in death. I have been wondering since then that am I really bound by it? How can anyone be sure that it binds us to the right person? Is it fate? or is it the universe contemplating the actions of human kind? May be I can't answer it correctly as I am not a philosophical person. The answer lies somewhere out there and I don't have time and energy to search for it. Life is too short in some instances to answer certain in-depth questions relating to it.

I have been thinking along these lines for quite a while now. I feel so bound and caged like a bird who can't fly as per its choice. What I want with my life, I am not sure myself. Every step I take in my choices I have to take two steps back when they are not thought to be wise. Every happiness I want to share with my life-partner ends up in my spoiling it by going in depression. For once I wanted to have fun with him alone. But it was not possible. Instead wherever he took me with the other companions I felt sadness inside me. The sadness was prolonged more so by certain events which further brought in me negative thoughts of being cause of such events and leaving his life for good. His power of conviction was strong enough to leave the thoughts aside and start anew.

But I don't know for how long will he keep convincing and for how long will i keep starting afresh with my life. I wanted a new life between us and its not possible due to biological circumstances for a while. I thought that with a new being a new life will be waiting for us. But either I am being tested by my providence or I am being too naive to continue in every aspect of my life.

Now I think about it is the red thread of fate linking us together? or I am being a fool to believe in it. It may be both or may be none. I think of my life ahead and measure the what ifs. I come to a neutral answer which angers me and tests my patience. May be this was meant to be. Or may be we could have a love story to begin it so that such happy memories would have acted as catalyst in the darkest of hours in our lives. Or may be........................

First Anniversary

Its been ages since I have written something here.. My friends might be thinking that i am lost somewhere. Its not the case. I am just busy with my household chores and beading. I can't believe it that its been a year since i got married. The whole year seems to have flown away. But with the new year of my life there are various expectations to fulfil and finish my commitments wherever necessary. I am confused whether my work comes first or the expectations of the others.
Sometimes I think that I am not living upto the expectations of my in-laws. When I bring this topic up with my husband he assures me that its not the case but still the feeling lingers. New life brings lots of new changes. I have always known that a woman is a wife, daughter, sister, mother but now I have realized that a woman is also equivalent to a maid when the situation asks for it. Sometimes I curse my fate for landing with such a woman for a maid who is on holiday most of the time and we all end up with additional household work. I wonder how the American housewives fare since they don't have maids on daily basis.

Anyway I am a busy person with lots of stuff on my mind at the moment and too little time to work it all out. here are some pics of the work in the beading I have done uptil now.

will upload more pics when i get some stuff installed.. till next time. 

Tired

Its been a week....I am obsessed and tired with my sudden passion for beads. One reading this post won't believe that i have not been able to eat, sleep or think properly for a week now since i got obsessed with the making of beaded curtains. I have been thinking heavily of them. Its been ages since i have indulged in any jewellery related project. May be 2 years back i had a project. Now I have to do something about my obsession. I am frustrated. I am tired. I take 6 hours of sleep everyday and still can't figure out the pattern i should and could use for this small project. I have to finish it before Diwali. The reason for all this is below.

It was my idea to make curtains for my home mandir. But despite of looking for material in this city i can't find what i am looking for. I tried approaching the online stores to buy the supplies but unfortunately the websites work but their owners don't. Now i found this wonderful website beadingdaily.com where all the required patterns are available for free download. I found that there are various complex designs which I can easily use with provided instructions. But still I am stuck with the only cliché, beads. Where do I get them? What should I do? I closed my eyes 2 days back in the afternoon for a short nap and could only envision the design i formulated. But when I opened my eyes I had severe headache due to restless tossing and turning. Now I am frustrated due to lack of resources for us housewives when it comes to such stuff. I can't go alone since I am unfamiliar with the streets of the city. I always have to wait for a weekend for my husband or sister to be free of their office work to take me. Sometimes the week seems too long for me.

Now I am working on the designs for jewellery of idols. I hope it works for me from keeping me frustrated. Just one more day left to go the market. *sigh*