I have been trying to figure out my life. Though it is filled with love but it is empty of a warm smile. It will be 2 years this January of our marriage and we have been unable to have that warmth we crave for.
I blame myself mostly as I suggested we wait for a year. If only we could have thought of bringing warmth in our lives earlier then I would not have indulged myself in this guilt.
Guilt is a big word in my dictionary. When I am kicking myself emotionally and mentally I tend to kick really hard. I conjure images that involve what ifs of my life. Such as what if I wasn't married I would have a different life, what if my husband and I separated, neither will be blamed; what if I am fully responsible and I don't deserve the pleasures of my life; what if I am bound by the chains of family and everything to hell with my craving let it be as it is, what if we don't have the warmth how will I be perceived by the judgmental eyes of people in this male-dominated society and what if I leave everything as it is and think of nothing. This guilt trip lasts till I get something new to focus on and my era of depression ends.
Life has many happy and sad moments. Neither lasts for long but I guess sometimes the cloud of doom hangs on us for too long to make us comfortable.
Sometimes I wonder where did my old life go? I used to listen to English songs but not anymore. I used to venture out to buy the stuff on my own but not anymore. I used to read books a lot but not anymore. My life has changed, whether for better or worse I am not sure. But the only thing I am sure about is that something is missing in my life and its high time that I need someone from my womb cry for me, love me and call me "Maa".
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